Insert: MassageM4M, a website specializing in connecting men like moi with guys who can offer me an erotic release. Still, the kiss acts like an electric shock throughout my entire body, and I know I need physical contact again soon or else my penis might just detach itself from my body. Actually, that's not true-he sent an emoji of a red balloon, whatever that means, and then off to the virtual graveyard he went. Sadly, Mushroom Boy never texted me back after our kiss.

In fact, I'm laughing now just thinking about it.